you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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