oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
