I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
