You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
