i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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