i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
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i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
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So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
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