everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
It was confusing and full of hummus
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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