I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
