I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
