just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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