I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
