She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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