I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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