I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
