Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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