Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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