ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
