i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
