true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
