Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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