this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
