Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
