I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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