she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
