Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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