Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
