Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We left the knife in your bed.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
