Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
