I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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