If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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