and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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