Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
