the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
