Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
