Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
dude. I can hear the air.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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