The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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