wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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