Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I could fuck to npr.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
