hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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