I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
