Umm I'm too high to move.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
