I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize