I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize