I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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