yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
