I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
