You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
