Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
