I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
