remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
