you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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