does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
