i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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