you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
