I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
pray to the hookup gods
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
