Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
