She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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